the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
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