i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
