We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
