when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
