Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
