and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
