the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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