The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I intend to get homeless drunk
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
