Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
