3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
