somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize