My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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