Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
