She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
