i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
