That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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