i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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