My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I AM VODKA MAN
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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