girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
