last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
