how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
