i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
