i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
