Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
