It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
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