and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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