so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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