I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
