Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
