This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
