He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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