Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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