I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
