Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
