I wish I could teleport
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
