i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
