The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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