Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
