tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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