i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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