Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
