so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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