Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
