Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
