He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
