She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize