I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
