dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
