my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
