i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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