she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
