the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
