Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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