I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
