he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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