If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize