Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize