Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
