even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My life is pants optional.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
