I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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