Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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