I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
