ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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